Saying Goodbye... Again...

Is it like the appendix? Really?
Well, I guess for most women, they would not compare their uterus to their appendix. But for me, it seems, in a weird sort of way... similar.
The date is set. On November 3rd, I will be having a hysterectomy. It seems strange, really. As I prepare for the surgery, I try to think of all the things that one should think through before going through something that declares such finality.
As I have struggled with various medical issues, this is the end that we figured would inevitably come. Interestingly, the medical issues that I have, have not been the reason for our infertility. The diagnosis of unexplained infertility remains. And as things have progressively gotten worse, Matt and I have talked through, over and over, what the best decision would be. And now we stand at the end of this road, in all actuality, very prepared for the surgery. To be honest, really looking forward to the relief it will bring.
But here is the weird thing... I have said good-bye once. Okay, maybe several times in different ways. But I've said good-bye to the idea of growing a child inside of my own body. It's even something that Matt and I have very consciously decided not to pursue. IVF would be our only real option for trying to conceive, and for us, we have never had the desire to put our resources: emotional, financial, etc. into that. There are many couples who feel led to go that path, and I support them completely. But for us, it was never our desire. Our hearts have always been led towards adoption.
And because of that, I have three beautiful, amazing sons. Children I would not have if I had not journeyed through infertility.
Children that I could not imagine not having.
There is not a thing that I would change about the path we have been blessed to walk.
And yet here I am, on the verge of a surgery that will forever remove the possibility of carrying a child. And I find myself re-processing it.
Again.
Because here is the thing: Even though we have dealt with infertility, because of the nature of our diagnosis, the possibility of conceiving has always been...well... a possibility. And even though we feel our family is complete (for now) ;o), I still am left to ponder the idea that I will never carry a baby. And it's a desire that I don't even have. How weird is that?
Even though we love building our family through adoption, and even if I didn't have the surgery, we would choose to adopt if we wanted another child, and even though I don't even have a desire to become pregnant...I still have this strange need to process through it.
I am needing to remind myself that carrying a child, or having a uterus, does not define me as a women. As a mother.
And here I am. Saying good-bye, again. And really feeling pretty okay with it all. ;o)