Two Mommys

I have talked with Caleb for five years about his adoption, and how wonderful it was, and how thankful I have always been for the gift that God gave us in him. And, in truth, as I have talked about it, I fully recognize that I did so, more for myself, than for him. Really, at age 2,3, 4... they can't really grasp the idea of what it all means. But I have done it, with joy, to ensure that I am so familiar and comfortable with it, that it would be a natural part of our family, and our conversations... a celebration of truth. And loss, and joy, and brokenness, and togetherness. All that adoption is, which, really, when dissected, can be a microcosm of our journey through life... filled with all of those things, over and over.
The other day, after re-organizing my files, including the boys' adoption files, I pulled out one of the pictures we have of Caleb's birth mom. I, as always, took the photo over to Caleb, and our conversation went like this...

Me : Caleb, isn't it amazing that you grew inside K's tummy?!
Caleb: Caleb grew bigger and bigger, than Caleb came out on his birthday and the people gave all the presents!
Me: That's right! And you know what?! On your very first birthday, Mommy and Daddy got the BEST present of all! We got you!...
Look there at K's beautiful eyes! You have eyes just like that! Because when you grow in someones tummy, sometimes you have parts of you that look like them!
Caleb: YA! Caleb has chocolate eyes, and K has chocolate eyes!
Me: YES! That is so special! You share some really special things with your Birth Mom...
Caleb: Ya! Caleb has two Mommies!

And it hit me. It really hit me in a new way. My son... the one I have held from the moment of his birth, literally. The one I have protected, and cuddled, and nurtured in every way any loving mother would, proclaimed it, for himself, for the first time: Caleb has 2 mommies.

I share you. There was something that another woman has done, that I did not do for you. Things she gave you, that I will never be able to lay claim to. This beautiful, strong, selfless woman gave you life. And your beautiful chocolate eyes. Yes, my son, you have 2 mommies.

And I started to feel those old feelings. The ones I had before I had become the educated, strong, confident, adoptive mother I am. You know... the ones in the beginning. When all I wanted was to take my baby and run. And if anyone wanted him back,the ones that would have led me to flee to the ends of the earth with him. To hold him as close to me as possible, and never let anything, or anyone take him away. I had that old feeling of fear. Of inadequacy. Of failure. And I realized that this was part of the journey. Actually, maybe where it really begins. Where the "rubber meets the road". You see, it has been easy for me to talk about it all since my boys have been so little, that it means very little to them. They don't get it yet. They have not yet wrestled with their place of belonging. Of their own feelings of loss... But it begins with embracing truth. The truth that yes... you do have 2 mommies. It is a huge part of who you are, and who you will be. And once again, I am slapped with the reminder that it is, in fact, not about me. But about you. And your story. And the person that God has created, and is at work in, even now. And I love that. And sometimes it's really hard. Because there are times when I want to take the glory. The glory in who you are. Whether I give birth to you or not. Whether you have a genetically familial trait or not... you belong to the Lord. And He made you just as He wants you. For His plan. In His perfect way. And I remember that I have been gifted with you. Entrusted with you. To show you that it's not about me... My hopes, my dreams, my ideas of what my child should look like, or be, or accomplish. You are a melody in the orchestra that God Almighty is writing... And each day, I get to hear your song. And your song, has two mommies. And that, my son, is beautiful.