The Loss

We just received a letter from Caleb's birth mom. It's a surprise to hear from her, because she rarely initiates contact with us. But when she does, I treasure it.
As I read her letter, my heart broke for her, once again. She wrote to let us know that her dad had passed away. She has always been so very close to her Dad. She was his girl, and he walked with her through the good times, and the hard times.
He was the one at the hospital with her when Caleb was born. He was the only other member of her family that I have met. I know that he cherished her, and felt a strong desire to protect her.
She wrote "At times, I think that he's with me, because I can almost smell him and feel his touch so tender on my head when I sleep."
She opened up to us in such an intimate way in her letter, and I love her for it. This woman has faced such loss in her life, and has experienced great heartache. It reminds me of the fact that this journey is laden with struggle, and loss, and deep pain.
I pray for you, My Dear, that you may know the peace of your heavenly Father, and that you may feel His tender touch upon your head, upon your soul, as He carries you through this difficult time.
If you think of her, please pray for her. She means so very much to our family.
I have withheld mentioning our birth mothers' names, for their privacy, but the Lord knows who they are, and I thank you for lifting them up to the Lord.

Surgery Updates:

Scroll down to:

Explaining the Unexplained

and

Saying Goodbye, Again

For information on my recent hysterectomy

In the hospital a nurse said...

"I can't believe you have twins, and have no stretch marks... You look incredible."

Ah ya.

The perks of adoption.

(I did, of course, tell her the truth. After she stewed for a few seconds.) ;o)

Explaining the Unexplained

All went well, as I said "Aloha" to my uterus on November 3rd. I was all prepped and ready to go in for surgery. The weekend before was filled with celebratory events, to commemorate the big event. Emily and I prepared a Thanksgiving Like feast for our families, my mom and her husband Ron. (My mom came out to help with the boys during and after surgery...) Emily and I also ran in a race around the bridges (just over 4.5 miles) on Saturday. And I made a delicious adult beverage, Carmel Apple Cocktails, to toast. ;o)

I was a little nervous as I went in very early Monday morning, but I am pleased to say that it all went fairly well. And when my doctor came in to brief me on how things went, it became even more clear, that this was a wise decision. Apparently, the endometriosis was much more severe than he, or any of my other doctors had thought. The scar tissue had ravaged my uterus, and one of my ovaries as well. He actually had to remove my right ovary, as it had a large tumor on it, and was not even functioning. He found a few small fibroids in my uterus as well.

When Matt and I went in for our initial fertility work-up, about 6 years ago, they performed an HSG test on me that didn't show any blockage. After they completed their tests, they diagnosed Matt and I with unexplained infertility. However, after surgery, my doctor said that the endometriosis was so severe, it would clearly be the cause of our infertility. Often, they offer a surgery to women to clear out scar tissue in an effort to create a better environment to sustain a pregnancy. My doctor said that my case was so severe, that that would not have even been an option for us. I am thankful that my right ovary is still healthy enough to remain in me to produce my own natural hormones. But I think if we had waited much longer to have the surgery, the chance of that ovary being effected by the endometriosis would have increased greatly.

I sit hear today with a heart full of thankfulness. I am overwhelmed at how the Lord has provided for us, and protected us. He knew, in His sovereignty, that we would never be able to carry a child. And He so clearly directed our hearts towards adoption. The Lord allowed us to see, early on, that His plan, though different from ours, was greater than we could ever imagine. He protected us from years of fruitless, difficult fertility treatments. He gifted us with miracle stories that show how He, and only He, can turn brokenness into something beautiful.

You see... it was God who gave us the desire to be parents. And it was He who, in His beautiful plan, brought children to us. Our story is more precious to me than anyone can imagine. Because it's ours.

I am also so thankful that we live in an age where doctors can help people like me free themselves from pain! OH MY! I can't tell you how thankful I am for this surgery. That it was an option for me. The second day when my doctor came in, it hit me. I nearly cried when I thanked him for helping me. Yes... it has been that bad. And I look forward to living a life free from the bondage of pain that I have struggled with for many years.

My recovery is going pretty well. I am taking it easy, and trying not to freak out about my break from things like lifting my boys, running, and doing laundry. Okay, that last one isn't hard for me to release for awhile. ;o) Thank you for your prayers. It has been a long journey, and I am thankful that I am through the rough part, and on my way to feeling a lot better.

Mama... Tell Me Again

Five years.

That is how old my sweet baby boy is now. Another beautiful September brought the joy of celebrating another year with our first gift, Caleb.

For those of you who know Caleb, you know his charm, his amazing intelligence, the way he can smile and melt your heart. Caleb has taught us so much over the past five years.

Here is some background on our growing boy...

It was early on that we noticed that Caleb struggled with some things. His speech was always a challenge for him. Along with his speech, his gross motor skills and some social abilities seem to lag behind those of his peers. After much medical testing, and months of therapies through the local 0-3 program, Caleb was diagnosed with Apraxia of Speech, and was found to have an atypical chromosomal combination in chromosome number 5. Apparently, a 'G' became an 'A', and an 'A' became a 'G'. It is all part of the way that God made Caleb, and we marvel almost daily at the things he can do at a higher level. And we are always working on ways to encourage growth in the areas that are struggles for him. Caleb has been a constant source of wonderment for us, and for the professionals that have worked with him. A respected child specialist told me that she didn't think Caleb would ever be able to communicate clearly or accurately enough to carry on a reasonable conversation with anyone. Ever. At age 5, he has certainly disproved that! His verbal capabilities are increasing all the time! His memory is one that leaves us in awe, as he often remembers things from when he was very small, and puts associations to experiences he had as a baby. Amazing! And though we struggle with various things, we realize that parenting children, whether they have special needs or not, is not a sprint... It's a marathon.

But because of the struggle Caleb has had with his speech, I still sit in amazement as he climbs in my arms, and begins telling me the things he is thinking of. He was over three years old before he could say "Mama" clearly, and it is partly because of those obstacles that my heart leaps with joy when he verbally connects in such meaningful ways. As Caleb's birthday approached, he has had an increasing interest in hearing about the day he was born. We talk about it often, but it is only recently that he has expressed an interest in it, too. It's pretty basic now, but I love how he crawls up into my lap, and just like the beloved children's book, asks me to tell him again about the day he was born. We talk a lot about his birth mom, and how I think he has her eyes... "Because when you grow inside someones tummy, you sometimes come out having things that look a lot alike!"

And we talk about how much Daddy and I prayed for him, before we even knew who he was, or where he was. And about how his birth mom was praying too... for just the right family for the special baby growing inside of her.

He loves to hear about how I was there to hold to him...

"Mama held cute and beautiful Baby Caleb!"

Yes, my sweet boy. I held you first. Oh, the gift that was to me.

I tell you often, Caleb, that you are so special to me, because it was you who God chose to make me a mother. Saying that I am thankful for that, does not even begin to express my heart.

And so it begins. Telling my son his beautiful story. Again and again...

Saying Goodbye... Again...

Is it like the appendix? Really?
Well, I guess for most women, they would not compare their uterus to their appendix. But for me, it seems, in a weird sort of way... similar.
The date is set. On November 3rd, I will be having a hysterectomy. It seems strange, really. As I prepare for the surgery, I try to think of all the things that one should think through before going through something that declares such finality.
As I have struggled with various medical issues, this is the end that we figured would inevitably come. Interestingly, the medical issues that I have, have not been the reason for our infertility. The diagnosis of unexplained infertility remains. And as things have progressively gotten worse, Matt and I have talked through, over and over, what the best decision would be. And now we stand at the end of this road, in all actuality, very prepared for the surgery. To be honest, really looking forward to the relief it will bring.
But here is the weird thing... I have said good-bye once. Okay, maybe several times in different ways. But I've said good-bye to the idea of growing a child inside of my own body. It's even something that Matt and I have very consciously decided not to pursue. IVF would be our only real option for trying to conceive, and for us, we have never had the desire to put our resources: emotional, financial, etc. into that. There are many couples who feel led to go that path, and I support them completely. But for us, it was never our desire. Our hearts have always been led towards adoption.
And because of that, I have three beautiful, amazing sons. Children I would not have if I had not journeyed through infertility.
Children that I could not imagine not having.
There is not a thing that I would change about the path we have been blessed to walk.
And yet here I am, on the verge of a surgery that will forever remove the possibility of carrying a child. And I find myself re-processing it.
Again.
Because here is the thing: Even though we have dealt with infertility, because of the nature of our diagnosis, the possibility of conceiving has always been...well... a possibility. And even though we feel our family is complete (for now) ;o), I still am left to ponder the idea that I will never carry a baby. And it's a desire that I don't even have. How weird is that?
Even though we love building our family through adoption, and even if I didn't have the surgery, we would choose to adopt if we wanted another child, and even though I don't even have a desire to become pregnant...I still have this strange need to process through it.
I am needing to remind myself that carrying a child, or having a uterus, does not define me as a women. As a mother.
And here I am. Saying good-bye, again. And really feeling pretty okay with it all. ;o)

Give up the Term: Give up for Adoption

I know. We are all inundated with the idea of being politically correct! We'd rather stick our finger down the proverbial throat then be told one more time that it's not 'politically correct'. As my disclaimer... I share your disdain for always feeling like I need to watch what I say. That is, until it comes to my boys. See, something happens when your a mom. Something akin to animal instinct, that tells all that is within us to protect our cubs. You can find amazing stories of mothers across all times, and all demographics, that have beaten all odds when it comes to the protection of their children. Yes, there are even stories of women, like myself, who by nature are fed up with 'political correctness', who actually embrace the idea.
If it's protecting to her baby.
So, here's the deal, and I say this with as much love as I can muster: Telling my child that they were "given up" for adoption tells them:
* You were given up on
* You weren't worth keeping
* You were too hard, therefore needing to be given up
You get where I am going with this??? It's not about giving up on. The idea of 'giving up' reflects so poorly on birth mothers. Women with whom I highly respect, and by all means, are not giver-uppers.
So, if you are new to the adoption realm, know someone who has adopted, has been adopted, or are considering adoption please remember: Women do not give their babies up, women who choose adoption are making an adoption plan. These women are being pro-active in making a decision that will forever alter their lives, and the lives of their children. Their selfless plan says:
* YOU are not a mistake
* YOU have a place where you belong, and I know just where that is
* YOU are worth all there is to make a plan for
* YOU are a gift worthy of purpose and of planning for
Thank you, Birth Mothers everywhere, who have made the selfless choice to make a pro-active adoption plan for your children. Without your selfless love, forethought, and planning, I would not be a mother.