Saying Goodbye... Again...

Is it like the appendix? Really?
Well, I guess for most women, they would not compare their uterus to their appendix. But for me, it seems, in a weird sort of way... similar.
The date is set. On November 3rd, I will be having a hysterectomy. It seems strange, really. As I prepare for the surgery, I try to think of all the things that one should think through before going through something that declares such finality.
As I have struggled with various medical issues, this is the end that we figured would inevitably come. Interestingly, the medical issues that I have, have not been the reason for our infertility. The diagnosis of unexplained infertility remains. And as things have progressively gotten worse, Matt and I have talked through, over and over, what the best decision would be. And now we stand at the end of this road, in all actuality, very prepared for the surgery. To be honest, really looking forward to the relief it will bring.
But here is the weird thing... I have said good-bye once. Okay, maybe several times in different ways. But I've said good-bye to the idea of growing a child inside of my own body. It's even something that Matt and I have very consciously decided not to pursue. IVF would be our only real option for trying to conceive, and for us, we have never had the desire to put our resources: emotional, financial, etc. into that. There are many couples who feel led to go that path, and I support them completely. But for us, it was never our desire. Our hearts have always been led towards adoption.
And because of that, I have three beautiful, amazing sons. Children I would not have if I had not journeyed through infertility.
Children that I could not imagine not having.
There is not a thing that I would change about the path we have been blessed to walk.
And yet here I am, on the verge of a surgery that will forever remove the possibility of carrying a child. And I find myself re-processing it.
Again.
Because here is the thing: Even though we have dealt with infertility, because of the nature of our diagnosis, the possibility of conceiving has always been...well... a possibility. And even though we feel our family is complete (for now) ;o), I still am left to ponder the idea that I will never carry a baby. And it's a desire that I don't even have. How weird is that?
Even though we love building our family through adoption, and even if I didn't have the surgery, we would choose to adopt if we wanted another child, and even though I don't even have a desire to become pregnant...I still have this strange need to process through it.
I am needing to remind myself that carrying a child, or having a uterus, does not define me as a women. As a mother.
And here I am. Saying good-bye, again. And really feeling pretty okay with it all. ;o)

Give up the Term: Give up for Adoption

I know. We are all inundated with the idea of being politically correct! We'd rather stick our finger down the proverbial throat then be told one more time that it's not 'politically correct'. As my disclaimer... I share your disdain for always feeling like I need to watch what I say. That is, until it comes to my boys. See, something happens when your a mom. Something akin to animal instinct, that tells all that is within us to protect our cubs. You can find amazing stories of mothers across all times, and all demographics, that have beaten all odds when it comes to the protection of their children. Yes, there are even stories of women, like myself, who by nature are fed up with 'political correctness', who actually embrace the idea.
If it's protecting to her baby.
So, here's the deal, and I say this with as much love as I can muster: Telling my child that they were "given up" for adoption tells them:
* You were given up on
* You weren't worth keeping
* You were too hard, therefore needing to be given up
You get where I am going with this??? It's not about giving up on. The idea of 'giving up' reflects so poorly on birth mothers. Women with whom I highly respect, and by all means, are not giver-uppers.
So, if you are new to the adoption realm, know someone who has adopted, has been adopted, or are considering adoption please remember: Women do not give their babies up, women who choose adoption are making an adoption plan. These women are being pro-active in making a decision that will forever alter their lives, and the lives of their children. Their selfless plan says:
* YOU are not a mistake
* YOU have a place where you belong, and I know just where that is
* YOU are worth all there is to make a plan for
* YOU are a gift worthy of purpose and of planning for
Thank you, Birth Mothers everywhere, who have made the selfless choice to make a pro-active adoption plan for your children. Without your selfless love, forethought, and planning, I would not be a mother.

The Best One

This has been one of my favorite articles. It was originally in print for the Washington Post. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. It is so dear to me because Matt and I can recall saying nearly exactly the same thing about our sweet boys.
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The Baby Game

How do you know when you've bonded? Ker-Pow!
By Jeanne Marie LaskasSunday, November 20, 2005; Page W31


"Let's not stack all the gifts in one place," I'm saying to my daughters. "I don't want it to look like we went overboard." I don't think we went overboard. Stuffed toy rooster, farm quilt, farm-themed bowl and plate and cup and spoon, plus baby riding outfit featuring actual jodhpurs and vest decorated with little embroidered horse. It's a theme. It's a farm theme, because we live on a farm, and Robin and David and baby Amelia are coming to visit, and maybe we can dress the baby in the riding outfit and hold her next to our pony for a picture.
This is so exciting. My girls are drawing pictures, already envisioning Amelia as a very stubby creature with vast cheeks and curly locks. "Welcome to America!" Anna writes on one picture. And on another, "We all came from China!" She's taping the pictures to the front door. "Am I going overboard?" she asks. I tell her, no, of course not. When it comes to welcoming a new baby, you can't go overboard. And when it comes to welcoming a baby from China, well, look out. It's my thing. It's the best thing I ever did with my life, and I did it twice, so I can easily get caught up in sharing the love. Ker-pow! Woe is the person who even hints at a desire to adopt a baby from China. Ker-pow! I'll hit her with my love story, insist it will be the best thing she ever does with her life, and soon enough I'm passing along phone numbers of adoption agencies, and, yes, I happen to have an extra immigration form if you'd like to get started right here, right now, today. Robin and David never needed my convincing, but they were kind enough to let me participate with celebrations of each paperwork milestone, and soon enough their dossier was complete, shipped off to China, and they hunkered down for the nine-month wait for the referral of the baby who would be assigned to them.
"I just don't know how I'll make it through this wait," Robin said to me on the phone one day. She asked if she and David, who live in New York City, could come visit us for a weekend, and maybe they could ask us some questions.
That was a year ago. Robin had a notebook full of questions. Most centered on the one so many prospective adoptive parents face: bonding. How could they make certain it would happen? I remembered this one so well. Somehow, you get all twisted up in the thought that just because the kid didn't grow inside of you, you're not going to be able to connect as a parent should to a child. Or, the baby won't with you. So how do you facilitate bonding? Robin had been reading a lot, and she had cooked up a number of plans. She was going to forbid anyone but herself and David to hold the baby until she knew the bonding process was complete.
"How will you know it's complete?" I asked.
"Well, I have no idea," she said. "How do you know?"
I told her that with Anna, I felt connected the moment I touched her, and with Sasha the process may have been a milli-second shorter, or longer, I couldn't remember exactly. "It was all more or less instantaneous," I said. "It's your baby. You're the mom. You bond." I told her not to worry about it, knowing that nothing I could say would quell her private fears.
Then my husband, Alex, piped in with the embarrassing story of what he blurted out on the bus one day in China shortly after we got Anna. We were with eight other couples, all of whom had likewise just received their babies. "So," Alex yelled. "Does everyone think they got the best one?" It was so crass and so true, and we all fell into uncomfortable laughter. There we were, adoring our babies -- even feeling a bit sorry for others in that they were not blessed with the privilege of parenting this princess, this empress, this most amazing creature to ever grace the planet -- and there, as it turned out, everyone else was likewise entranced with their own little burp machine. "You'll see," Alex said to Robin and David. "You'll see."
So here we are, one year after Robin and David's first visit, and now, finally, they are pulling up our driveway with baby Amelia. "They're here!" I shout to Alex. I tell the girls to please scatter the presents a bit more so it doesn't look like we've gone overboard. I'm so excited I might explode. I hope it's all happened for them the way it happened for us, so instantly, so profoundly, so mysteriously: a family.
They're walking up the path. Robin is carrying Amelia. I'm on the porch going up and down on my tiptoes. Amelia has apple cheeks and a crazy ponytail on top of her head. Robin is jiggling her, and David is juggling bottle, formula, bib. Robin sees my eyes welling up, or maybe I see hers. We are about to lose it, and I am wishing someone would make a joke. I open my arms for a hug, and Robin loses it first. "The best one," she says. "Oh my God, we got the best one."

Can't you have any children of your own?

Wow. I love this one. As if it is because you have given a social worker the privilege of knowing every. detail. of. your. life., suddenly gives total strangers that same privilege. Now, as the tactful parent I am, *wink* I usually give a totally political correct response, in an effort to educate those unfamiliar with the bonds of adoption by saying something like
"Actually, they are our own. Whether children join our family by birth or adoption, the good Lord makes them our own."
But I must admit, that I have been tempted to respond with equally inappropriate personal questions to them:
WARNING: The following comments are made by an only-sometimes-sane Irish mother of three boys, ages 4 and under. I cannot be held responsible for any offense that may be taken.

1) So, do you currently have hemorrhoids?

2) Have you done your kegel's today?

3) I was just wondering if those were really yours?

4) How have your ovaries been operating lately?

5) Do you ever have that "not so fresh feeling?"

So, how about you? What inappropriate questions would like to ask? ;o)

~Qualifiers~

So, as you read the post below regarding Open Adoption, I know that I need to put in a few qualifiers! So, here you go:

~ Regarding International vs. Domestic Adoption: It's really this simple... There are children all over the world who are in need of a home. Children who don't ask for specific presents for birthdays and holidays... children whose only dream is to be in a home, their home, with someone to call Mommy. Their Mommy. Someone to call their Daddy. And these children exist...Everywhere.
We actually had several reasons for our initial lean towards international adoption, and honestly, we may pursue that somewhere down the line. Ya... way, way down the line. (As our twins have just turned 2 ;o) But the Lord had other plans for building our family at that time. The key is to follow where you are being led, and trust that when making a decision as to 'where' to adopt from... There is no wrong answer! Because, once again... There are children everywhere who need families. And families everywhere who need these children.

~ Regarding adoptions that are 'closed': You know, there are so many families that have adopted children who never know what their birth families look like, including many international adoptions where "openness" isn't even an option. I really believe the main idea is to create an atmosphere of openness within your family. A place where adoption is talked about, in a way that says it's not only 'okay' to talk about it, but in a way that expresses adoption as the gift it is. As the beautiful, natural way to build a family that it is. It is imperative that we create an atmosphere where our children feel safe to express what may be on their hearts. I say "may" because, there are many children who consider adoption issues, well, non-issues. Not every child will have the desire to connect with their birth families. Not every child will look in the mirror and wonder whose nose they have. But there are many who will. And if you don't know, how beautiful is it to be close enough to our children to say things like "I wonder if your birth mom likes peanut butter on her pancakes, too?" How amazing is it to be confident enough in our role, as their mothers, to embrace every part of who our children are. Even if we don't know... Take the time to wonder with them.
If you haven't yet, check out my recommended books link to the left at 'Good Reads'... Eldridge's book 'Twenty Things..." was so enlightening for me... If you have any questions, comments, or need clarification on anything, feel free to comment... ;o)

Open Adoption Has...

Given me the opportunity to see things in my children that they have been blessed with through the wonder of genetics! Because we have open adoption's, we know Caleb's beautiful birth mom, and Jonah and Noah's entire birth family. In truth, I feel like we too, have been adopted into their birth families. I love knowing that Noah looks so much like his sister. And Jonah looks so much like their brother, even though as twins, Jonah and Noah don't look very much alike! ;o) I love seeing that Caleb's eyes have the same shape as his birth mom's. And even though I will forever profess that it is love that ties a family together, there is a mystical tie to those with whom we are genetically connected. Open adoption has made it easy for us to connect to those who have written on the slate of our boy's before they were in our arms, and I am ever so thankful to have a bond with those who are such a vital part of who my children are.
Has it always been this way????
No! I must be honest, and share that prior to Caleb's birth, I was completely ignorant about "open adoption". Actually, we had planned on adopting internationally, not necessarily because we felt the Lord leading us there, but primarily because it seemed safer. We could fly to another part of the world, gather our baby in our arms, and fly back home. Far away from anyone who may want to take him away from us. Who may want to take him back. Even when Caleb was born, and we were given the gift of being a part of his journey into the world... I was terrified. Would she change her mind? Would she sign the papers? Or would my dream of motherhood be taken away, once again. The way infertility had thus far robbed me of my greatest desire. At that point, it was all about... Me. Wow... I had so much to learn. (I know, I still do...) It wasn't until I surrendered my desire to the Lord, and took the focus off myself, that I began to feel the joy and freedom in embracing those who were giving me my life's greatest gifts! This was a long process for me, and honestly, I did not 'feel' the joy of openness for awhile. But the more I began to realize that parenting is *GASP* not about me, the easier it was to stand in the corner of the children that I had been blessed with, and build relationships with those who are so much a part of who they are.

Book Recommendations, Anyone?

I am on the lookout for more books to add to my recommended list... So, if you have some books about adoption that you could recommend, click below and leave a comment! I'll make sure to read it and possibly add it to my recommended list!